Greater Than Revenge
“The best revenge is to not be like your enemy.”
— Marcus Aurelius, Meditations (6.6)
Revenge is usually understood as getting even with your adversary. They hurt us, so as a result we hurt them back. They insult us, we insult them back. They treat us unfairly, so we search for a way to make them feel the same pain. It feels like justice because we believe that returning what was given to us somehow restores the balance. However there is a problem with this idea. When we become like the person who wronged us, have we truly defeated them? Or have we simply allowed their actions to alter who we are?
We often think that we are simply responding to someone else. We let our emotions control us and wrong them like they have done to us. When we do this, we are not moving towards justice. We are simply making ourselves worse than we were in the first place. This mindset allows the same behavior that hurt us to continue through someone else: us. Letting the person who wronged you control you can actually be worse than anything they did in the first place. You put them into power when you let their actions influence yours.
The most difficult part about this is that in the moment, refusing to retaliate can feel like weakness. When someone hurts us, our instincts tell us to prove that we cannot be pushed around. We believe standing up for ourselves means returning the same behavior to them. There is a difference, however, between standing up for yourself and being controlled by anger. You can simply defend yourself without becoming cruel. You can demand justice without seeking revenge. You can recognize wrongdoing without letting it control you. The person who wronged you should not get to decide what kind of person you become afterward.
There is a simple solution to this problem. Treat those who have done you wrong with respect. Not because they deserve it, but because you deserve an image in their minds of someone whom they couldn’t control. When you respect them, you respect yourself because you are being the bigger person. Now they aren’t living rent free in your head, you are living rent free in theirs. That is what someone who has done you wrong truly deserves. This is greater than revenge. It is what truly defeats the enemy: refusing to become them. Thank you for reading Social Science 43, and have a composed day.
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